


In Awe of What's in Front of Me

by rafaelbaseball



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Declarations Of Love, Fluff and Angst, Insecurity, Love Confessions, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-04-24 00:03:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19161727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rafaelbaseball/pseuds/rafaelbaseball
Summary: It’s funny how drastically three words can change everything.It can change a dynamic, a relationship, a life.“I love you.”He’d opened himself up to the risk of Rafael not being able to say it, too. He’d just never once even considered it would turn out that way.





	In Awe of What's in Front of Me

**Author's Note:**

> I was asked for fluff but in true self fashion, it turned out to be mostly angsty with a side of fluff. I haven't posted anything in some time, though, and I felt compelled to get this down so I hope it came out okay!

It’s funny how drastically three words can change everything. 

It can change a dynamic, a relationship, a life. 

“I love you.”

Perhaps it’s arrogant in a way to think of it but Sonny has never said it to anyone who hasn’t said it back. Then again, he’d never meant it as earnestly as he does now but maybe that should have been his first red flag. Maybe he should have taken it as a sign to be more cautious. Instead, he’d let himself be blindsided. He’d opened himself up to the risk of Rafael not being able to say it, too. He’d just never once even considered it would turn out that way. 

And yet, here they lie in frightening silence, shoulder to shoulder in Rafael’s bed. Rafael still hasn’t said a word, his reading glasses perched low on his nose as he fixes his gaze on the case file he’s no longer reviewing. Sonny had protested when he’d brought the file with him to the bedroom but Rafael has court tomorrow and he’d wanted to make sure he was as prepared as possible. Rafael had batted those long lashes over those pretty green eyes and Sonny had folded much faster than he’d like to admit. 

Sonny can’t take his eyes off Rafael. Every so often, he realizes he’s holding his breath, waiting for a response he isn’t sure is coming. He breathes in deeply through his nostrils then back out, chest rising and falling in a way that doesn’t betray how erratically his heart seems to be beating. 

Is this how it ends? No. No, it can’t be. It doesn’t have to, anyway. Sonny can wait, right? It’s a little soon, in all fairness, they’ve only been dating for ten months; but ten months is almost a year and a year is a good amount of time to allow for two people to know whether they’re in love or not, isn’t it? He’s said it to exes sooner than that. 

_And look where it got you_ , a little voice in the back of his head whispers. His voice, the one he prefers to keep buried because when it rises, it tends to hand out uglier truths. _He doesn’t love you. Hell, he can’t even bear to look you._

Sonny fights against that train of thought. Whatever is going through Rafael’s mind right now, it’s far from disgust. Sonny can at least be confident of that. 

“I—”

“You—”

They both cringe, offering each other weak smiles. 

“You first,” Rafael urges gently. 

He still doesn’t quite make eye contact. Somehow that’s more hurtful than anything else right now. Somehow, Sonny has come to the conclusion that if Rafael would just look at him, they can fix this. They can come to an understanding. Rafael can get back to his case file, Sonny can get back to catching up on _Game of Thrones_ (because Amanda has threatened to spoil the ending if he doesn’t finish it soon) and everything will be as if there hadn’t been a disturbance in the first place. 

_Because you are a disturbance. A weight on his shoulders, one he doesn’t want to carry anymore._

Sonny clears his too dry throat. “It’s okay if you don’t. No pressure. I just— I looked over at you and you had those little lines between your brows you get when you’re concentrating or you’re— yeah, those, you’re doing it. Your tongue was sticking out a little, too, you know I love catching you do that.” Rafael blinks but he remains patient, waiting for Sonny to reach the point. “Anyway, I do. I love you. You don’t have to say it back or anything, I guess it just seemed like a good time to let you know.” He pauses, unable to help himself before adding, not quite unbitterly, “I’m sorry I was wrong.”

Another long stretch of silence passes between them and Sonny very nearly volunteers to simply go home but then finally, _finally _, Rafael lifts his head. Sonny doesn’t expect to see Rafael’s eyes welling with tears.__

__“I’m sorry.”_ _

__The words come out raspy, like Rafael had been screaming even though he’s barely managed to string together a complete sentence for a solid five minutes now, and Sonny notes the way he has to force a swallow and the slight tremble to his bottom lip. It makes Sonny sit up straight, attention rapt now because this isn’t how it’s supposed to go, this isn’t how Rafael is supposed to react._ _

__“Hey.” He shifts a little closer, prepared to reach out to take Rafael’s hands but freezing when Rafael flinches. Sonny feels like the rejection like a slap to the face, he’s borderline certain he’ll find the remnants of a handprint on his cheek in the morning and realize he hadn’t just imagined it. His mind races with his options, with failed ideas of what he can do to understand what’s going on, to make this better._ _

___You shouldn’t have opened your damn mouth. You could have avoided all this in the first place._ _ _

__“Please talk to me, Rafael,” Sonny says. His hands settle on gripping a pillow so he can hold it in front of himself like a protective shield, hugging it close to his chest, as if it might repel whatever undoubtedly horrible thing Rafael is going to say next. “Is it me? Do you want me to go?”_ _

__“No,” Rafael says quickly, shaking his head. At least there’s that. “No. I want to say it, Sonny, I do.”_ _

__Sonny blinks back the hot tears forming in his own eyes now, lifting his gaze to the ceiling as he blinks hard to avoid letting the tears fall. “So why don’t you? It’s okay, I won’t be upset. If you don’t feel that way yet, I’ll understand.”_ _

___You’re a liar. You’re a liar and you’re not dating a fool. Weren’t dating, anyway._ _ _

__“It’s complicated,” Rafael murmurs, “and it’s not fair to you.”_ _

__“You’ve always been complicated.” Sonny tries to say it lightly, his effort to inject a little bit of lightness into the conversation even though he can sense the dark clouds falling into place above them. “I have time, Rafael. If you want to tell me, you know I’ll listen.”_ _

__Sucking in a breath, Rafael sets his case file and glasses down on the nightstand beside him. It takes him a moment to collect himself and Sonny can’t see his face now but he can see Rafael’s jaw working, can see the attempt to square those shoulders, to effort to _keep it together_. If there’s distinct reasoning behind all this, maybe that means they’ll be okay after all. So he stays quiet, lets Rafael work his way up to speaking again on his own time._ _

__“It’s what he used to say.”_ _

__Sonny narrows his eyes when Rafael doesn’t expand, not quite understanding what he’s supposed to gather from that statement. “What who used to say?”_ _

__Rafael continues on as if he hadn’t heard the question. Maybe he really hadn’t. “He said it every time it happened, without fail. I get it now, I get what it really meant, how empty it was but at the time, I wanted to believe it so badly. I let myself believe it all those years.”_ _

__Very nearly, Sonny almost asks for clarification again but then his eyes find the stray cigarette burn on the curve of Rafael’s shoulder then the half-square scar toward Rafael’s tailbone and it clicks. “You’re talking about your dad.”_ _

__Rafael barely nods his confirmation. “He loved me so he had to teach me. He loved me so he had to make sure I knew better. He loved me so he knew I’d understand why I couldn’t tell anyone why I had a limp at school the next day. He loved me so I got to choose which belt he’d be using.”_ _

__Sonny’s eyes flutter shut, his fists tightening over the sheets as he tries not to audibly react. That’s not what Rafael needs right now. It isn’t often Rafael talks so openly about his childhood, Sonny doesn’t want to risk making him close off again. Still, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t wish he could travel back in time just to beat the ever-loving hell out of Rafael’s father then travel back a second time to do it all over again._ _

__“My mom tried to stop him once. He broke her nose. I told her if she loved me, she’d never interfere again and it worked. She never did. My father was really good at showing how much he loved me, he just did it with his fists.”_ _

__“Rafael…”_ _

__He trails off. What is there to say? _There’s nothing you can say. You’re useless, you can’t do anything to fix this.__ _

__“I’m telling you this because I want you to understand that for a part of me, love is always going to be associated with that pain. Those memories. When you say you love me, it’s like I can hear him, too. It’s just… hard sometimes.”_ _

__“You never have to say it back,” Sonny rushes to say, not entirely sure that’s what he’d actually meant to say or whether it would be even remotely helpful. “If you want me to stop saying it, that’s okay, I’ll find another way.”_ _

__Rafael shifts his body so he can face Sonny again, his whole expression softening now. The lines between his brows are gone, there’s just affection and a little bit of regret in his eyes, though Sonny isn’t sure what that means._ _

__“I don’t want you to stop, that’s the thing,” Rafael tells him. He hesitates just slightly then reaches out to gently unfold Sonny’s fingers from the sheets until he can link them with his own. “I want you to say it because coming from you, it’s so different. I know you’ll never hurt me, I know that. The thing about abuse is, it’s forever, no matter the source. It stays with you for life. It’s not something you can switch off when the memory of it becomes overwhelming. Forty years. Forty years and I can still remember the first time he hit me as clearly as if it’d happened this morning. But I carry on, I suck it up because that’s what’s expected of me. That’s what I need to do if I want to live my life. And I need you to understand that just because you can’t fix it doesn’t mean you aren’t still the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”_ _

__Sonny snivels, bringing Rafael’s knuckles to his lips and gently pressing his lips against each one. “I get it. Whatever you need to do, I get it, I’m glad you told me.”_ _

__“I do, by the way,” Rafael says, tilting his head with a faint smile. “I really do. I want you to know that. You are the reason I believe the good in love again. It might just take me a little while before I can actually say it.”_ _

__“I can wait,” Sonny promises. “It’ll be worth it.”_ _

__He listens for the voice in the back of his head to sabotage the moment, to try to convince him Rafael would rather fabricate a complex lie than spare him the nasty truth, but there’s nothing. The voice has quieted for now. All that’s left is the comfort of knowing Rafael loves him, too. That’s all he needs, really, words are just words._ _

__Some things, sometimes the least obvious things, are simply better left unsaid._ _


End file.
